Reports of Governor being given swirlies in Capitol restrooms unconfirmed
In a completely unexpected move, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder, the self-titled “Tough Nerd”, abruptly resigned from office today citing bullying by Democrats and Republicans alike for his decision.
“I thought being the top government official in the state would end the relentless bullying and harassment that I’ve endured since middle school,” Governor Snyder said in a statement. “Unfortunately, if anything, the bullying has intensified.”
Citing being locked in a Capitol Building gym locker for several hours, being given swirlies before top-level meetings with billionaire Dick Devos, and having his lunch tray knocked out of his hands repeatedly in the Capitol cafeteria, Snyder said he had “made a terrible mistake”.
“Nobody likes me,” Snyder said. “The Democrats hate my guts. The tea party Republicans teepeed my mansion. I’m even getting crank calls at my office in the Capitol Building. I will return to the private sector where at least I make millions for pissing people off by shipping their jobs to China and destroying their lives. Hell, I only make $159,300 a year doing this and I agreed to do it for only one dollar. Let [Lt. Gov. Brian] Calley put up with this shit. Ain’t nobody got time for that.”
Emails and phone calls to the Lt. Governor’s office were not returned.