The all-powerful yet strangely ineffective POTUS…
Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented display of raw power, President Barack Obama “cooked the books” in 41 of the 50 states to make it appear as if their unemployment rates had dropped in the past month. Republicans are shocked by this blatant political move and left Democrats wondering what the hell took him so long.
House Speaker John Boehner issued a statement saying, “There’s no way in hell “that one” could have reduced the unemployment rate. I mean we have done absolutely everything in our power to ensure he couldn’t make a single move that would help the economy or American workers. It’s simply not possible. Also, Obamacare.”
Congressman Eric Cantor, the House Majority Leader told reporters that the fact that seven of the states — Colorado, Ohio, Florida, Iowa, Nevada, Wisconsin, and North Carolina — are so-called “swing states” makes it “blatantly obvious” that these numbers from the Bureau of Labor Statistics are fabricated. “How on this God’s earth could he have been successful at lowering the unemployment rate?” Cantor asked. “This is impossible. We haven’t allowed him to accomplish anything for the past four years. Also, Kenyan Muslim.”
Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney spoke to a rally in Pennsylvania and pronounced the BLS report “another example of the ineffectiveness” of President Obama. “When I am CEO, uh, President, we will have lower unemployment in all 50 states, not just 41. Besides, these numbers can’t possibly be true. My friends haven’t been hiring anyone for the past four years. Also, birth certificate.”
Obama deputy campaign manager Stephanie Cutter released a YouTube video showing Mitt Romney strangling unicorns with his money belt while “The Imperial March (Darth Vader’s Theme)” from Star Wars played in the background.