A crisis counselor will be on hand for John King USA
Sit down. I have news.
This will likely be the last GOP debate of 2012. And it’s a sit down debate. Yes. The last one is a sit-down affair. Or as Newt Gingrich calls it, home court.
Never again will we see the adept intellects the GOP can gather to oppose Barack Obama stand awkwardly at each other’s sides, trying not to catch a whiff of Newt.
This is the end, my only friend. Why aren’t you crying? Ah. You’re still in denial. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross assures me you’ll soon be filled with anger: How the fuck have sat through 22 of these? Bargaining: Can’t we just get Rick Perry back for the finale? Depression: It’s going to more Mitt, isn’t it. Acceptance: That was embarrassing.
This debate takes place in Arizona. Arizona, which features the angriest Sheriffs with hottest boyfriends on the planet. Arizona, where the banks approved a billion terrible loans that they bundled and made billions on until it all went bust. And then you know who Arizona blamed? The beautiful Mexican boyfriends. And anyone else with a tan that won’t eventually result in skin cancer.
It’s perfect wasteland for the last of these charades. The perfect place for the GOP to lose their last 3 Latino votes.
Well, here are my five questions that I’d like to hear at tonight’s debate. Feel free to shout them out in any way you find possible:
1. Governor Romney, do you think gay families should be denied the right to adopt a child because they are gay?
2. Senator Santorum, do you believe any of opponents are under the control of Satan? If so, please name them.
3. Who on this stage is most like George W. Bush?
4. How severely conservative are you?
5. Governor Romney, why do you expect Michigan to save your campaign when you wouldn’t have saved Michigan?
I’ll be updating this post throughout the evening and the debate. Not a threat. A promise.
Update 5:35 PM
If after 22 interviews for one job, your answer gut reaction is bring me more resumes, you’re probably fucked.
Today, Chris Christie says he still thinks about getting back in the 2012 GOP primary. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for the man who endorsed, Mitt Romney.
And the truly deluded Republicans are still dreaming of Jeb Bush riding in to save everyone. Why?
The fact is Mitt is experiencing his worst full Not-Romney collapse.
One by one his opponents have risen up and collapsed under the weight of their own incompetence. It happened to Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, Donald Trump. And now Mitt is spending more than he’s taking in while getting almost support from small donors.
So what’s he doing? Trying a Rick Perry-like relaunch with a tax plan that’s a Penthouse Forum letter for the richest Americans.
Tonight is a make or break moment. Mitt had nights like this before in Florida, and he rose to the occasion. And he did fine. But he fired the debate coach that helped him do it. Good old Mitt won’t let his campaign get in the way of his hobby: firing people.
Update 7:16 PM
You need to think about this: Mitt Romney could win.
He could end up the GOP nominee and pick a Marco Rubio or old Anti-Choice McSonagram from Virginia. And if the economy nosedives, Romney could win.
This makes his tax plan even more insane. Here’s what a Mitt Romney presidency would look like: tax breaks for the richest and huge cuts to the very poor.
Update 7:51 PM
This may be the last debate but this race is nowhere near over. None of these candidates are getting out.
1. None of them have anything better to do.
2. Mitt Romney is on his last “next Reagan”ticket.
3. Ron Paul is secretly building up enough delegates to make himself a nuisance at the convention, which he probably won’t do if Romney is the nominee. The mancrush between Romney and Paul is the most disturbing story of this primary.
4. None of this candidates have anything better to do.
It’s a recipe suspiciously like what we’re getting in Michigan. And all I want to know is: What did Detroit ever do to Mitt Romney?
Update 8:00 PM
CNN seems a bit overeager to explain that John King USA isn’t nervous. Wolf Blitzer: “I helped him pick out a snug adult diaper.”
Let’s get ready to BUMMMMMMMMMBLE.
Take a look at these candidates, ladies. Who else would you like to see deciding if you get birth control.
How will I balance the budget? I will add a trillion to the budget by cutting Obamacare.
Rick Santorum, who expanded Medicare in an egregious way, explaining how he’d balance the budget is like Tony Soprano talking Wall Street Reform.
Is anyone following this? Tweet me if you want me to go on @LOLGOP. I’m still tweeting.
Nothing I’ve seen tonight makes me think this will be settled soon. Santorum is holding his own, literally and figuratively, of course.
Mitt doesn’t have a knockout punch.
Newt swings wildly and Ron Paul sounds as if he’s trying to teach me the Force.
Final Update 9:50
It’s a good thing that this is the last debate. These guys can’t get any further to the right. The one guy who doesn’t want to blow up Iran wants to end public education.
There is no America where these men make sense. The idea that Planned Parenthood, which saves millions of lives, is an enemy. The idea that this President hasn’t been anything but a massive success when it comes to foreign policy. The idea that Rick Santorum is a serious person. America, unless it is seriously impacted by a economic crisis, won’t buy any of this.
I have too much faith in America to imagine this kind of pandering will be rewarded.
Tonight will be the first night in weeks John King USA won’t cry himself to sleep.