2016, Conservatives, Democrats — April 22, 2015 at 8:51 am

If Democrats campaigned like Republicans…



Chris Christie wants to gut the most popular thing our government does — Social Security. Marco Rubio is proposing a tax cut so big that even the Wall St. Journal doesn’t buy it. Ted Cruz wants to abolish the IRS and somehow keep the military.

In 2013, the party reaffirmed its opposition to same-sex marriage, a stand only currently held by a majority of people who only use landlines. The GOP platform calls for the elimination of reproductive rights, even in cases of rape and incest, the opinion of a whole 1 out of 5 Americans. That same platform also explicitly calls on Congress to reject the U.N. Conventions on Women’s Rights and the Rights of the Child.

It leads you to wonder, what if Democrats campaigned like this?

*waves fingers in dreamlike motion*

Medicare’s eligibility age should reduced to birth, providing insurance for every legal resident for about half a trillion dollars less than we currently spend on health care. A small surtax on all income over $500,000 a year will fund Social Security forever while adding benefits and increasing payouts as costs go up for seniors.

Eliminating tax breaks for vacation homes and all investment over $400,000 a year funds a free public college education for all citizens.

By imitating Finland’s widely successful education reforms, we create a system that treats teachers with the same respect as doctors and lawyers while funding all school districts equally.

Every freaking gun sale in the United States requires a background check—even if the person buying the gun already had a tattoo of the gun on his neck.

Gay, lesbian and trans* people can no longer be fired for being gay, lesbian and trans*, but they can marry and divorce in every state as often as Rush, Newt or Trump.

Tax credits for your electric car help pay for solar panels on your roof—all funded by raising the inheritance tax on millionaires back to what it was when George W. Bush took office and a carbon tax.

After Megabanks are broken up, they’re broken up some more until bankers agreed to go back to being megaboring forever.

All Congressional elections will publicly financed.

We eliminate the problem of having the highest poverty rate of any industrial nation by eliminating the problem of being the industrial nation that spends the least on reducing poverty.

With the money we save by releasing non-violent drug offenders from prison (and a slight luxury tax on all shoes and watches over $500), we subsidize maternity/paternity leave, tax breaks for childcare and free universal pre-K.

The minimum wage should be raised to $15 and tied to inflation forever.

A worker’s ability to organize is a basic freedom, protected by the Civil Rights Act. Employers are required to offer sick and vacation pay, as they are throughout most of the developed world.

We end the exploitation of the most vulnerable by passing immigration reform that includes a path to citizenship, smarter border security, a guest worker program and checks on all employment through E-Verify.

In all fifty states you, can register to vote online with a guarantee you will never have to wait more than an hour to cast a ballot. Any law that restricts access to abortion is repealed. Poof! Gone.

And birth control is completely covered with no co-pay by Medicare and delivered to your home by Segway if necessary—no matter what your boss thinks God feels about vaginas that week…

No Sharia Law. No War on Christmas. No Kristallnacht for billionaires.

Basically, we’re talking about Super Canada—with better TV.

That’s right: Canada has universal health care, same-sex marriage, and no—zero—federal laws restricting abortion and we don’t need a border fence to keep their Christians out.

Democrats. Because America shouldn’t be Canada’s bottom.

[ Photo by S Pakhrin | Flickr]