Newt lost the battle. But his War on Women continues.
Today I memorialized the clown car derailment known as the Newt Gingrich campaign. Back in November, I knew Newt had no chance of winning the nomination. But I begged karma to give him the nomination for one reason: I wanted Bill Clinton to get his chance to destroy Newt at the Democratic National Convention.
That will never happen. But I still dream that one day Comedy Central will give Bill his chance to roast Newt properly. It might go a little like this.
Let’s go to Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross.
“And now for the man who screwed Newt so often that Newt still pays him alimony, the only President to ever declare pussy a vegetable—Bill Clinton.”
Thank you, Jeffrey Ross. By looking at your face, I think we finally understand why Lincoln didn’t bother with the full beard. But if Abe were as short and wide as Jeffrey Ross, I think he might have grown it out ZZ Top style.
It’s a pleasure to be up here with this distinguished dais. Sarah Palin, Herman Cain, Steve O, Mitt Romney, Donald Trump and, of course, Speaker Gingrich. We haven’t seen such a sweaty group of intellects gathered in one place since the third season of Jersey Shore.
Now, I’m not necessarily saying that makes you our Snooki, Governor Palin. Snooki occasionally uses protection.
Herman Cain is here. Herman Cain said, “Once you get on the Cain Train, you don’t get off.” Well, we’ve heard from a half dozen of your sexual harassment accusers and watched you finish fourth place in Iowa. So now we know who isn’t getting off.
Everybody welcome, Steve O. Steve, you’re from Jackass but I honestly think you missed your chance to be the GOP nominee for President last year. If there’s anything that speaks to the GOP base, it’s the ability to staple your own nutsack to your thigh.
Speaking of stapling your nutsack to your thigh, Mitt Romney is here. Mitt said that Detroit should go bankrupt. I’d like to tell him what Detroit thinks he should do, but we know how Governor Palin opposes Sex Education. Mitt is so far up the religious right’s ass that he’s actually become one of Newt Gingrich’s six stomachs.
Speaking of bankruptcy, Donald Trump is here. Welcome, Mr. Trump. Some people think that running for President turned you into a joke. But we all know that happened several marriages/bankruptcies ago.
Of course, we cannot forget the man who probably wishes he could go back to being forgotten, Newt Gingrich.
The only man alive who has a more pungent stink of failure on him than Newt Gingrich is Donald Trump. They both have three wives. But Trump declared bankruptcy four times. Newt would NEVER declare bankruptcy. He’ll only imply moral bankruptcy every minute of his life.
But let’s stick to the facts. Newt set up a website during the 2012 to fight the smears, which was nice. Usually Callista leaves fighting Newt’s smears to the night maids.
Newt insists he is a moral man. He firmly believes that marriage is between a man and woman who doesn’t have cancer.
Now, on Newt’s “fight the smears” website, I learned that Newt didn’t actually divorce his wife while she was dying of cancer. The tumor was benign, folks. That means even Newt’s ex-wife’s tumor had higher approval ratings than Newt.
Newt has been married three times but we all know that his true love is the sound of his own voice.
Newt loves talking, especially when he can get paid to do it. He earned $30,000 an hour from Freddie Mac and claims Freddie was paying him to be a historian. If Newt’s a historian, Jack Abramoff should win the Nobel Prize in History, right after Bernie Madoff gets the Nobel in Economics and Newt and Donald share Husband of the Century.
But Newt loves revisionist history. He loves taking credit for the surplus I created, even though he said raising taxes on the rich would destroy the economy. And he even wrote a book where the Nazis won World War II. No wonder he called his health care plan “the Final Solution.”
But Newt isn’t just a twice-divorced lobbyist with a Nazi fetish. He’s also the only Speaker of the House in the history of the United States ever reprimanded for ethical violations. He paid $300,000 to settle his violations, which broke his fellow Republicans hearts. Especially David Vitter. You know how many diapers and hookers you can buy for $300,000.
Newt was also having an affair with a staffer while leading my impeachment. As the rest of his caucus was obsessing about Monica’s blue dress, Newt was obsessing on his own caucus. That makes him the world’s biggest hypocrite. But look at that bastard, he’s the world’s biggest everything.
Now, this is the part where I’m supposed to say I really love Newt, but it doesn’t take a historian to see the only thing I love about the guy is how easy he is to hate.
He’s Dick Cheney without the shotgun. He’s Boss Hog without the snazzy white suit. He’s an albatross on American politics, and that’s something that any historian who earns in one year what Newt does in two hours will be glad to verify.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. And on behalf of the child laborers everywhere, a very sincere f— you to Speaker Gingrich.
[CC image by Justin Ruckman | Flickr]